You know that moment when a new match suddenly goes radio silent? Leaves you on read for hours? Doesn’t reply, but you see them post a story?

And then you start spiraling. Replaying and analyzing your last interactions 😩 Ugh

➡ “What did I say? Was I weird?"
➡ “Maybe he’s just busy…”
➡ “What if he had a bad day at work?

Let’s be honest. You’re likely bargaining.
​And I say that with so much compassion, because I’ve done it too AND I see it every day in the women I work with.

So what is bargaining?

It’s the mental gymnastics we do to protect ourselves from disappointment or from having to take action when we’re not ready to.

Bargaining sounds like this internal dialogue:

➡“He’s not inconsistent, he just has a demanding job.”

➡“He said he’s bad at texting. He warned me upfront.”

➡“He’s been through a lot. I need to be more patient.”

➡“He said he’s intimidated by how emotionally aware I am.”

Here’s what’s often really happening:

• You’re avoiding the pain of realizing someone might not be able to meet you.
• You’re trying to control the narrative so you don’t feel powerless.
• And yes, you might be over-empathizing, giving grace to people who haven’t earned it, because you’ve been conditioned to believe that loving well means understanding deeply.

The truth?

Here’s what I see, especially with high-capacity, emotionally intelligent women:

👉 We give too much benefit of the doubt.
​👉 We offer too much grace that hasn’t been earned.
​👉 We hold space for people who haven’t shown up for us yet and call it compassion.

So if this hits home, the bargaining, the overthinking, the emotional labor, then I have a reframe for you.

Reframe:

✨ You don’t have to analyze your way into being chosen.
✨ You don’t have to write someone’s backstory to justify their present behavior.
✨ You don’t have to stay in confusion just because clarity stings.

And...

✨ Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is believe the behavior.

There is a better way to date. One where you feel clear about what you want, grounded in your self-worth, and confident setting boundaries.

If this resonates, and you’re craving some structure and support in dating….

Then you might really love the 4-week course, Datable, that I’m co-leading with fellow therapist Brittani Procknow.

We start June 3 and I'm pretty excited about it 🙌

​
​It’s a 4-week therapist-led course. It’s practical and designed to help you date with more confidence, self-awareness and strategy.

It will be live via video Tuesdays @ 5 pm CT/6 pm ET. See link for more details about the course.

➡️https://bit.ly/datablecourse

Or just reply to this email if you want to chat through whether it’s the right fit (or explore 1:1 support)!

​
With love,

Lori

Psychologist and Dating Coach